Not Standing in Election 2024

PPPParty will not be standing any candidates in the 2024 General Election. We’ll be sitting, lying down; we may even do the odd yoga pose, but we won’t be standing. We will continue to propose the best policies and we fully expect these to be stolen by the other political parties in due course and not to be given any credit.

Election 2024 – Your Vote Matters

You matter. You’re made of matter. That matters. And the PPP knows why. For too long politics has been ridiculous without being funny. With your help well bring the fun back to Westminster, so we can all laugh at the clowns again and not be sad. Bright people around the globe have been designing new policies to solve our problems. The UK is a noble leader in this as well as many other fields. But spoiling your ballot or voting loony is not the answer. A vote for PPPP means all of those things. It’s about change. It’s about the future. It matters because you’re matter.

Spurious News Reports Up 25%

We promise a clampdown on spurious news reporting. Spurious news reports were up 25% in the last quarter. That’s far too much. We promise to tackle the spurious news reporting epidemic by making the media report on the long term underlying rate of the issues they are reporting on. No more dog, knife, baguette attack panics just because there is an predictable and expected variation in the rate of such events.

From Biodegradable to Edible

Now that most products have biodegradable packaging we plan to investigate the possibility of going further to make packaging edible. If research supports the safety of edible packaging we promise to kick start the initiative by inviting top celebrity chefs to provide ideas for a Packaging Based Recipe Book. We promise by 2030 to make the UK the world leader not just in climate friendly green initiatives and top TV chefs, but in the consumption of edible plastics. Let’s make inedible biodegradable plastics a thing of the past.

Sustainable Shopping

We promise to work with the financial sector, the UK’s jewel in the diadem, to introduce biodegradable, compost friendly credit cards made using renewable and fully carbon offset dolphin approved plastic. The UK public deserves the right to shop sustainably.

Commission of Inquiry Into Why Foxes Are Still Scared of Humans

What’s up with foxes? We want to know because you want to know. Fox hunting was banned in 2004 and although it still occurs in particularly ‘Wickerman-ish’ areas, it never happened in our cities (with the possible exception of Basingstoke). Yet foxes still skulk around and refuse to be petted like normal dogs. What’s going on? Are they still offended? Let bygones be bygones. We’ve forgotten Basil Brush after all.

Community Cell Initiative

We at PPP Party are not believers in the idea that Law and Order should be about more prisons. We think it should be about fewer prisoners. However, given the current shortage of adequate space in our prisons we propose a Community Cell Initiative. This would make use of the vast numbers of potential cells on all our streets. It would also help remind the general public of the diverse strata within our society, with some at the top and others at the bottom. Prisoners would earn early release privileges if they helped the public with lost keys and directions.

A Resolution to End All Resolutions

PPPParty is appalled by the recent increase in violence across the globe. Resorting to violence is always wrong. At this time clarity of language is the most important thing. It stops bombs (devices, explosives, things that go bang) and can lead (make a path for, get out of the way etc.) to peace (harmony, calm, not being shot at). Therefore we call for a resolution to end all resolutions: anyone with a weapon in their hands to immediately turn it on themselves so that we can go back to watching the Strictly Come Dancing Bake Off.

Feet 30% Better – Official

We’ve left the poorly designed and ultimately pointless union of onion eaters. Let’s ditch their unfathomable measurement system. Gallons of time have been wasted figuring out what’s what. Let us raise a pint to the inch. No more centipedes. No more metering. The future is now. The future is furlong.