A Resolution to End All Resolutions

PPPParty is appalled by the recent increase in violence across the globe. Resorting to violence is always wrong. At this time clarity of language is the most important thing. It stops bombs (devices, explosives, things that go bang) and can lead (make a path for, get out of the way etc.) to peace (harmony, calm, not being shot at). Therefore we call for a resolution to end all resolutions: anyone with a weapon in their hands to immediately turn it on themselves so that we can go back to watching the Strictly Come Dancing Bake Off.

Feet 30% Better – Official

We’ve left the poorly designed and ultimately pointless union of onion eaters. Let’s ditch their unfathomable measurement system. Gallons of time have been wasted figuring out what’s what. Let us raise a pint to the inch. No more centipedes. No more metering. The future is now. The future is furlong.

International Development Super Power Choice

Noting the UK’s recent loss of it’s ‘Development Super Power’ status, in the future ex-colonies will be able to choose the development super power the UK will mean for them. Among the choices will be: 1) lose access to your resources but get a railway and some of our old rolling stock instead; 2) Have your economies hermorage cash to offshore banks but get your own telebanking app; 3) Send us your best skilled graduates in return for drunken tourists.